## Misc story #1 I had a strange experience one day in late 2022 where someone was threatening me with physical violence. It was very uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable for the reasons people would guess. But it was also really interesting. During the threats, I think my brain was going into fight mode. I had a super uncommon series of thoughts on how I would need to physically deal with this threat. This felt strange. My body pulsed. I was conflicted because I didn't want to hurt this person, but I also trusted my gut, and it said to be ready. I asked myself how I could handle the situation with love and the answer I got was to advocate for myself with kindness, but also with assertiveness. I was to demonstrate love by decisively protecting myself. Thankfully no physical altercation came to pass. Post threat I believe was experiencing a trauma response. I second guessed my handling of it. I felt unsafe, I felt worried they would come back and hurt me / others. I had a hard time letting it go. I felt crazy. I felt like maybe it was all in my head. I felt like I could have handled it better. I felt like I would have had resolution if the person who threatened me had been incapacitated. My thought patterns were compulsively bouncing back to the situation for hours afterwards. Its like my body was stuck there. As I processed, I asked myself what good there was in this experience. - I had an opportunity to feel such love for myself and others that I got protective - I had an opportunity to mull an uncommon experience and set of emotions - I had an opportunity to practice kindness to someone who was making it very hard for me to do so - I had an opportunity to reflect on the types of characters I'll allow around me - It was an opportunity for me to feel love from Ellie who was there for me - I had an opportunity to call a friend and work through the situation together, which probably made us closer. - Who knows, this experience might have been an opportunity for the person to reflect on their own behavior. - I have an opportunity to practice forgiveness. The person who threatened me also was having a very hard time. They were not in a good state. I am not responsible for them, but I do forgive them. This world is a hard place and it is okay for people to make mistakes. - I feel pride in my response, I have grown a lot. I feel lucky. I felt weird through this, knowing that I am lucky and privileged. But my problems are real and for all the good things I want for me, I truly want them for others. Regardless of the privilege, I am allowed to feel unsafe at times. Does this experience challenge my world view that [[this is heaven]]? I don't know. It felt like it might. I hope it won't though and I don't think it is. Seven hours after the incident and I'm already seeing the good in it. I'm not sure what will come from this experience but I have faith that good will. I am going to leave it there. Sometimes you step on a thistle in the garden, it wasn't my fault, and I think I learned something from it. ## Situations where you cannot defend yourself What of situations when you cannot defend yourself? How can you show up with love for yourself? Remember - it is not your fault. - How ever you process it is okay. There is no normal. - You never deserved the hurt - It may not seem like it in the moment or even for a long time after, but going through hard things does build strengths in you. You still didn't deserve the hurt, but you deserve to feel proud of how you dealt with it. ## Related - [[love yourself - trust yourself - breath]] - [[there is good in everything]] - [[do not belittle yourself]] - [[The Best Friend]] - let the body process it