I can be good with words
Like hands reaching out before helped was asked for
I learned early how to thank people properly
How to name the good they forgot to see in themselves
Friends. Helpers. Quiet do-gooders.
I could turn a moment toward light
By choosing where to look
If a car hit me
I would think
Better to be the one struck
Than the one carrying the weight of striking
It was not denial
It was mercy practiced inward
I left voice notes warm enough to keep
Little notes tucked where smiles could be found later
I looked people in the eyes
Slowly
As if to say
I see you. You count. You matter to me.
But words are tools
And tools cut both ways
When I was hurting
I knew exactly what to say
To build a story where pain stayed forever
I could narrate my own despair
Until it sounded inevitable
Convincing
Complete
In breakups
I said things that could not be unheard
Sharp sentences
Thrown once
Never coming back
Text messages were the worst
No breath. No eyes. No pause.
Just speed
And the illusion of certainty
I am learning slowly
To hold my tongue
To check the cost before I speak
Eye contact helps
I shouldn't be able to look away if my words are impacting another
If it's a phone call where I might say something stupid
I ought to look in the mirror
Saying the words slower
Trying only to utter the ones I could live beside
This is not a solution
It is a hand on the brake
An intention to grow
To reflect
When I am hurting
And if I must hurt
Take all those words that might sting another
And let me feel that hurt